Life in Words

“No is a complete sentence.”

At the beginning of this year, this phrase was my mantra. And while, it encouraged me to stop overextending myself, I have recently found myself on the receiving end of these noes. Man, do these noes feel so final, and so complete.

As an author, I am no stranger to rejection. However, the noes I have been receiving lately have hit me so heavily. I felt like I was sending out some of the best work I had ever produced. I revised, I edited. Each time I applied for an award or for a publishing competition, I just knew I would be chosen. I felt like it was my time.

But then, the emails started to roll in, and the winners were announced. None of them were me.

Then the lies began. I started to question myself. What did I do wrong this time? What is wrong with me? Does that mean I’m not a good writer? Am I not enough? Should I just give up now? And most importantly: When will it be my turn?

The last question made me examine my heart posture. I felt like a tantrum child. Honestly, I felt like how my daughter probably does. She’s two (if you know, you know) and is constantly being told no. No, you can’t have cookies for dinner. No, you can’t sleep in my bed for the fourth time this week. No, it’s not your turn to have that toy. Trust me, she’s an awesome kid. She’s generally obedient, extremely smart, and very loving, but me telling her no has nothing to do with her character, but everything to do with her wellbeing.

My husband and I are trying to teach her how to cope with not getting her way: taking deep breaths, safely and healthily releasing emotions, etc. While these tactics don’t take away the sting of rejection, she learns how to rebound and redirect. Parenting really gave me a word.

I’ve been putting so much effort into my work, and taking risks by putting it into the world, but that doesn’t mean that other people owe it to me to see my greatness. I believed that these opportunities I was applying to would have provided me with the sense of arrival, “that I made it” syndrome, that only stifles you to believe that there is no growing left to do. Then, just as quickly as I had applied, I was told no for every..single..opportunity.

These rejections dropped me on my behind. I felt the full weight of them in my body. They gurgled in the pit of my gut. They ached in my bones. I cried. I screamed. I sat in darkness and depression. I asked.. no.. begged God to tell me why it wasn’t my turn yet. Why wouldn’t he let me win?

The answer was simple.

I needed to be good enough for me.

I was waiting for other people to tell me I was worthy of opportunities, that my work was good, when I didn’t even fully believe it myself. Even though I felt like I was producing my best work, I wasn’t sure it was going to be the best to other people. Every time I clicked submit on the screen, I felt this pang in my stomach. My intentions weren’t right. I was looking for validation from an audience when I didn’t even have full confidence in myself. I thought I was taking risks, when really, I was asking people to do the hard work of believing in me for me.

While the pain of rejection still lingered, I couldn’t stay stuck in my sadness. The next step for me was to heal, and in order to do that I needed to let go. Surrendering my fears, my pride, and my need for validation from other people, allowed me to move through the hurt and walk forward. Surrendering brought me to the rawest parts of myself, and allowed me to see my trust God’s plan.

None of us can see what’s ahead of us. We can’t plan for every no that we will ever receive. We can try to cushion our falls with our pride and desires as much as we can, but it will always come down to surrendering: letting go of what you think should happen, so that you can flow into what is meant to happen.

My mother would always “say a delay is not a denial”. Every no in my life has led me to rebound and redirect to the opportunities that are meant for me. Through my experiences with rejection, I have learned that if you forcefully open the doors on the journey to your destiny, you will walk into a rooms full of blessings you are not ready to receive.

So, if you are reading this, I want to let you know that it’s all in good time. It’s coming, I promise. Just wait.

Just wait.